The Twenty-Ninth Tale: Should We Stay or Should We Go?

Hey all,

Welp, this blog's been a' brewin' for quite some time!  After having been so neglectful of this blog for so long, I have had a recurring theme present itself lately that I feel needs attention from the world.  Usually, if more than one person asks me about a certain subject or it's something I've been discussing a lot, I feel the need to draw attention to it.  So, here goes.

As many of you know, I've been traveling and teaching ESL (English as a Second Language) these past few years (I started my journey in 2008, with stints back and forth in the U.S.).  I have had the opportunity to talk with many people on the subject of teaching and traveling, both those who have the desire to do so, and those who are already doing it.  Something I have discussed with both of these groups of people is the length of time one "should" stay abroad.   Many of the people who teach ESL (like myself) start doing it primarily as a means to an end, simply a way to travel; most of the people I speak with express a desire to return to their home countries at some point or another.  The interesting thing is that there are many, many people who end up really enjoying some aspect of this kind of work, whether it's the kind of lifestyle it affords, the cultural experiences, or teaching itself.

Due to this unexpected phenomenon, an existential question seems to arise: even when people end up really loving this kind of work and are perfectly happy being here (or in whichever country they work),  why do many of us feel we must at some point return home in order to start our 'real' lives; and, what does a "real life" mean to us, anyway?  Is the kind of a life we have envisioned for ourselves possible without returning to our home countries? It seems that in addition to many other expectations we have set for ourselves, we often believe that we must give up the things that bring us joy in the moment in exchange for what we feel is a more 'adult' lifestyle. I tell you what, though- I am CERTAINLY not mocking this notion; I have had the same expectations for myself at one point.  The thing is, it's a persistent question that we travelers/expats face.

Okay, let me just pause here briefly to explain what I am thinking of as a 'traditional' life path; please correct me if you think I'm wrong.  It may look a little something like this:

1) Go to Kindergarten/Elementary/High School, hit puberty and deal with adolescence

2) Go to University

3) Get higher education degree (optional or can be exchanged with #4)

4) Get a steady career 

5) Meet someone, get married (can be exchanged with #s 3 and/or 4) 

6) Have babies, experience parenthood

7) Retire from working

8) Die

I can understand how people in the states or other home countries could see traveling and teaching as an impediment to a traditional lifestyle, and there is some truth to that.  After all, as I mentioned before, many of the people who leave their host countries embark on the journeys to seek challenges and adventure.  There are many challenges in living apart from one's home culture, whether it be the inability to create and/or maintain social relationships, deal with legal bureaucracy, adapt culturally, or the main one--being away from friends and the family unit back home.  I can see from an outsider's perspective that it may seem damn near impossible to follow a more 'traditional' life path here.  I'll tell you what, though; I am here to debunk the myths that the things we expect from a 'traditional' lifestyle aren't possible whilst living/working abroad; that we can still follow what we think of as a 'real' life here, if we are only willing to accept these challenges.  

Here are my thoughts on each myth:

Myth #1: Teaching English as a Second Language isn't a steady career.

The majority of those who travel would go abroad before step 3 or 4 on the life road-map above, mainly because in most countries, even having temporary work requires some kind of college degree.  This is the point before you are supposed to find a steady career, before you decide what you want to do with the rest of your life.  So, what happens if you find you love teaching ESL, and you happen to love teaching it in another country?  Many people still don't take this profession seriously.  For me, it wasn't until I accepted the fact that I loved teaching English that I realized I want to do this for a living, and that it is perfectly possible to do so.  It may not be the "steadiest" of careers in terms of the physical workplace; depending upon the type of institutions you work for you may work on contract from year-to-year.  However, in terms of a profession itself, English is still the "international language", and there is still a growing need for teachers in the world at the moment.  Also, you can do it almost anywhere in the world, and enjoy good benefits while you're at it.  I'm not sure if it will always be this way, but it's about as stable as any career out there at the moment (and more considering the amount of countries you can work in).

Myth #2: You can't have a serious relationship abroad.

I really believe this depends on your own personal attitude.  Okay, so I haven't had a serious relationship while abroad, it's true.  Still, I can't say my prospects of having one at home were much better!  All I can say is that if you're willing to accept cultural differences, it's quite possible you can meet someone from the host culture.  If not, there are still foreigners abroad.  While it is true that you would be operating within a smaller pool, that doesn't mean it can't happen for you.  I have personally known a lot of people who've hooked up over here.  It really depends on timing and meeting the right person; I have no magic formula to achieve that!

Myth #3: You can't have babies and be a parent here.

Au contraire, mon frère.  I have several friends who have had babies/are parents here.  Imagine being able to raise your kids to learn two languages, and to have an international/multi-cultural lifestyle?  Sounds like a wonderful, advantageous opportunity to me for any child.  Of course, like always, there are challenges, but it's definitely possible.

The main challenge that I have personally with the idea of staying abroad forever, and that many others have, is being away from my family and close friends.  I am not going to lie--it is very hard at times. That's the only challenge that may bring me back to my home country at some point, I believe.  Yet, no matter where you go, there is the possibility to build up a community; that's one of the beautiful things about life.  You just have to stay open.

So...for those of you dealing with the question at hand, "should I stay or should I go?", my advice is this:  ask yourself if you are happy where you are.  Are you doing something that makes you feel fulfilled?  Are you generally happy with most aspects of your life where you are?  If the answer to either of these is no, seek more truth, whether it's inside yourself or out.  

That's all for now.

Much <3,

Anna

      





  

The Twenty-Fifth Tale: When Relationships Never Happen...

Hi all,

I was reading my sister Solange's blog this morning about how she was inspired by an article on Jezebel.com entitled "When Motherhood Never Happens".  I, of course, was curious and read the article (that was linked on her blog).  Interestingly enough, I had been pondering this topic recently myself, as well as the issue of relationships.  Read on for more thoughts.

Practically the entire time I was in Europe, I really wanted to find a man to be in a romantic relationship with.  I remember one particular day when I went with my host family to the nearby town of Rimini to hang out by the seaside.  I don't know if  I was dehydrated or what, but there was a particular moment where my iPod started playing the song, "It Might be You", the song written by Stephen Bishop as the theme for the well-loved 80's movie "Tootsie" with Dustin Hoffman.  It suddenly seemed as if time slowed down: I saw moms with their babies in their adorable little sun-hats, couples looking lovingly at each other, friends connecting, children playing...it was like a scene from a Seurat painting, only better; more vivid, more real, and much more beautiful.  In that moment, I got that life is all about the connections we make with other people, and in that moment and for quite a while after, I craved those deep and lasting connections.  

There will always be a part of me that wants those connections.  I am a loving person who needs love in her life to feel fulfilled.  What's different now as opposed to when I was in Europe, though, is that I value the connections I have already much more, and I see that they do exist in the form of friends and family.  Even when I doubt it, I know I have people that love me, whom I love back.  I don't think that I really saw that before-I have always been the kind of person that has looked outside herself to try to find the answers to the emotional questions within.  Now I've realized that, in addition to having other people who love me, I also love myself, and I will always be there for me.  I think it took losing one of my best friends in the world for me to see that, but I get it now.

When it came to the issue of having a relationship, once I came back home and got the love and stability "fix" I needed from family and the environment, I realized, hey, guess what?! I feel like me again-and that need for a romantic relationship has since subsided.  I guess I was just lonely, vulnerable, and craving stability.  

Well, okay.  I'm not closed to the possibility that it could one day happen for me; that I could find someone I want to share my time and experiences with-- I just really don't feel that I want that at the moment.   I used to almost crave a relationship, marriage, kids, the whole deal.  Now I'm doubting whether or not I even want to have kids.  I think they're adorable, I don't have the saliva/vomit/baby poop phobia like my sister does, but I am feeling downright selfish.  I still have so much to do that doesn't involve settling down and/or raising children.  I guess I could always just strap on a Babybjorn and take the kid with me around the world as I go, but it seems a little unfair to them.  I dunno, it's like in that Jezebel article, I'm undecided and therefore decided thus far.  Oh, and my ovaries are shriveling. Tick, tock.   

Anyway, back to relationships.  I always have said, "well, if I met a great guy"....yadda yadda yadda, but the fact is, I've met great guys.  I've met TONS of great guys, and I've dated great guys.  I just never feel fully connected, and I'm at the point where I'm tired of trying to force it if it doesn't feel natural to me. 

Speaking of which, I have begun to doubt the idea that "the one" is a real concept.  I had always believed this, but am really reconsidering.  It's not being cynical, seriously-it just seems to make more sense to me now.  I think that for a woman, the formation of a stable, great relationship can come down to four key factors, with a "wild card" factor thrown in: compatibility, attraction, stability, choice, and the wild card: a situational bonding experience. 

Let me explain: If you get along well with the person, are attracted to them (physically and/or mentally), are truly receptive to the idea of a relationship and in a stable place mentally and physically, you may choose that person, feeling that you were meant for each other--when really, maybe you were, maybe you weren't.  Anybody's guess.  The "wild card" I mentioned is valid when the stability factor isn't present, which can create more intense feelings of attraction and compatibility.  I am thinking specifically of a friend of mine who met her current fiancee abroad while they were taking a TEFL course together, and she had a very intense medical situation happen there that needed emergency attention.  The guy was by her side through it all, and they bonded.  Obviously, when one person helps another through a traumatic emotional situation, there is the potential for an instant bond to be created.

Anyway, all I'm sayin' is, I've never had the magic recipe for creating a stable relationship, and I don't know if I ever will.  And, though I don't like to start a sentence with "and", that's okay.  :)

I've said it about relationships, Dodai Stewart (Jezebel.com article author) and my sister can say the rest about what happens next...(first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes...um, now what?)

Much love,

Me :) <3

The Ninth Tale: Love vs. Independence

I was talking the other day to a good friend about something I read that made me think a lot about this whole situation of love vs. independence. I was reading about 'birth numbers', which to me is basically the equivalent of astrology: just as unsubstantial; while entertaining, it should not be taken as dogma. Anyway, I am, according to this system a "37/10". When I read the chapter about myself, it said, "emotional neediness sometimes clashes with a deeply rooted independent streak." Strangely enough, that struck a chord with me.

How true have I known that to be my entire life, thus far. If I am feeling emotionally needy, I am at my worst. If I'm feeling independent, I'm fiercely so...and I feel happiest when I'm in this mode. Given this nature, I often feel conflicted about the thought of sharing my life with somebody. I'll admit, sometimes I really want to have someone to share life experiences with; to confide in; to love and be loved by. Hell, I appreciate the cheesiest chick flicks with the rest of 'em. Yet, right now, the thought of committing myself to someone still feels like being hog-tied. I start asking myself all sorts of logistical questions as soon as I see a possibility of a relationship becoming serious, and then I freak out. Well, what if I want to travel more? Is he going to come with me? If he doesn't, am I going to be sitting by the computer waiting for emails? HELL NO. I don't want to do that!! AHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! See my point?

As for the relationships I've had so far, I can honestly say that I have never really known true love throughout them. The feelings I felt in those relationships, while harsh to say out loud, were more like infatuation. Did I care deeply for the people? Of course-- I felt like a mom. But, who wants to feel like a mom in a romantic relationship? I don't think love is the kind of thing that is bred out of desperation to feel something deeper than you actually do. True, I believe infatuation can grow to love if it's nurtured properly...but I wasn't with the people long enough to get to that point.

Then there's the issue of independence. I LOVE being independent...knowing that I only have to answer to myself. If I make a mistake, it's my mistake. I made it and the consequences affect only me. If I want to go somewhere or do something on a whim, I can, and I don't have to run it by anybody. I don't have to worry about someone else's feelings, or 'entertaining' someone else or being 'on'. I can just be myself, honestly, and make no apologies for that. I can be happy or sad or grumpy and feel whatever I want to feel without it affecting anyone else.

That may sound seemingly like the sick and twisted confessions of a control addict (which I can definitely say I am), but I have found that my experiences in relationships thus far have only had negative effects on my personality. I have felt the emotional gamut, straight up from pure jealousy to sheer insanity. Mostly, though, underneath those feelings, I have felt smothered and resentful (even though, believe me, I was a willing participant in every aspect of these relationships).

I don't pretend that these issues weren't brought about in part by the other party in the particular relationship-I certainly didn't feel that way just out of the blue. So, maybe part of the reason I haven't been able to love is because I haven't been with the 'right' person (someone who brings out more positive qualities in me, and doesn't make me feel bad every time I open my mouth). Then there's also a deeper issue; maybe another reason I haven't ever truly loved anyone before was because I was impulsive about getting involved right away, then it just seemed like the correct evolution of a relationship. It was immature. Sort of like getting drunk for the first time- you don't really want to, but it's intriguing-and everyone else seems to be doing it. Before you know it, you're stuck with your head in a toilet, vomiting your guts out. So, I was going through the motions. I may sound crazy on this one...but I think a lot of people get into relationships this way: unconsciously.

Unfortunately, even after having confessed all of this, I'm not feeling any more resolute about the situation. Just slightly more honest, lol...and maybe a bit sheepish about past behavior. Oh well. I guess the only thing that I can do moving forward is to keep living my life, goals in mind, brain in head, with my eyes and heart open. Sounds easy, doesn't it? ;) Guess I'll have to give updates later and let you all know how that worked out for me.

Anyway, those are the thoughts for today. Hope everyone is well. :)

Xoxo,
<3, Me