The Twenty-Fifth Tale: When Relationships Never Happen...

Hi all,

I was reading my sister Solange's blog this morning about how she was inspired by an article on Jezebel.com entitled "When Motherhood Never Happens".  I, of course, was curious and read the article (that was linked on her blog).  Interestingly enough, I had been pondering this topic recently myself, as well as the issue of relationships.  Read on for more thoughts.

Practically the entire time I was in Europe, I really wanted to find a man to be in a romantic relationship with.  I remember one particular day when I went with my host family to the nearby town of Rimini to hang out by the seaside.  I don't know if  I was dehydrated or what, but there was a particular moment where my iPod started playing the song, "It Might be You", the song written by Stephen Bishop as the theme for the well-loved 80's movie "Tootsie" with Dustin Hoffman.  It suddenly seemed as if time slowed down: I saw moms with their babies in their adorable little sun-hats, couples looking lovingly at each other, friends connecting, children playing...it was like a scene from a Seurat painting, only better; more vivid, more real, and much more beautiful.  In that moment, I got that life is all about the connections we make with other people, and in that moment and for quite a while after, I craved those deep and lasting connections.  

There will always be a part of me that wants those connections.  I am a loving person who needs love in her life to feel fulfilled.  What's different now as opposed to when I was in Europe, though, is that I value the connections I have already much more, and I see that they do exist in the form of friends and family.  Even when I doubt it, I know I have people that love me, whom I love back.  I don't think that I really saw that before-I have always been the kind of person that has looked outside herself to try to find the answers to the emotional questions within.  Now I've realized that, in addition to having other people who love me, I also love myself, and I will always be there for me.  I think it took losing one of my best friends in the world for me to see that, but I get it now.

When it came to the issue of having a relationship, once I came back home and got the love and stability "fix" I needed from family and the environment, I realized, hey, guess what?! I feel like me again-and that need for a romantic relationship has since subsided.  I guess I was just lonely, vulnerable, and craving stability.  

Well, okay.  I'm not closed to the possibility that it could one day happen for me; that I could find someone I want to share my time and experiences with-- I just really don't feel that I want that at the moment.   I used to almost crave a relationship, marriage, kids, the whole deal.  Now I'm doubting whether or not I even want to have kids.  I think they're adorable, I don't have the saliva/vomit/baby poop phobia like my sister does, but I am feeling downright selfish.  I still have so much to do that doesn't involve settling down and/or raising children.  I guess I could always just strap on a Babybjorn and take the kid with me around the world as I go, but it seems a little unfair to them.  I dunno, it's like in that Jezebel article, I'm undecided and therefore decided thus far.  Oh, and my ovaries are shriveling. Tick, tock.   

Anyway, back to relationships.  I always have said, "well, if I met a great guy"....yadda yadda yadda, but the fact is, I've met great guys.  I've met TONS of great guys, and I've dated great guys.  I just never feel fully connected, and I'm at the point where I'm tired of trying to force it if it doesn't feel natural to me. 

Speaking of which, I have begun to doubt the idea that "the one" is a real concept.  I had always believed this, but am really reconsidering.  It's not being cynical, seriously-it just seems to make more sense to me now.  I think that for a woman, the formation of a stable, great relationship can come down to four key factors, with a "wild card" factor thrown in: compatibility, attraction, stability, choice, and the wild card: a situational bonding experience. 

Let me explain: If you get along well with the person, are attracted to them (physically and/or mentally), are truly receptive to the idea of a relationship and in a stable place mentally and physically, you may choose that person, feeling that you were meant for each other--when really, maybe you were, maybe you weren't.  Anybody's guess.  The "wild card" I mentioned is valid when the stability factor isn't present, which can create more intense feelings of attraction and compatibility.  I am thinking specifically of a friend of mine who met her current fiancee abroad while they were taking a TEFL course together, and she had a very intense medical situation happen there that needed emergency attention.  The guy was by her side through it all, and they bonded.  Obviously, when one person helps another through a traumatic emotional situation, there is the potential for an instant bond to be created.

Anyway, all I'm sayin' is, I've never had the magic recipe for creating a stable relationship, and I don't know if I ever will.  And, though I don't like to start a sentence with "and", that's okay.  :)

I've said it about relationships, Dodai Stewart (Jezebel.com article author) and my sister can say the rest about what happens next...(first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes...um, now what?)

Much love,

Me :) <3

The Eight Tale: Chain, Chain, Chain...

Hey all,

So I'm going to take a break from the outrage I've been expressing concerning the U.S. Government and what's going on right now politically (yes, you can all breathe a sigh of relief for a moment) to express something that's on my mind this morning: how our actions affect other people.

I woke up too early and can't get back to sleep (It's 5:23 as of now, I am supposed to get up at 6, woke up at 5...don't you hate that when that happens? I so do). You know what happens when you can't go back to sleep...your mind starts to wander. My mind this morning was wandering about how the actions of others can affect so many people.

On the negative side, I was thinking about some of my mom's family members on her mom's side (there is about a 0.0000001% chance of any of them reading this, so not to worry). Not her immediate family, mind you, but some select ones further down the line. These particular people have estranged not just my mom over the years, but her entire family (including me). On an everyday basis, I don't really think about them, but occasionally I do and I start to get upset about it. You see, my mom was born Jewish into a pretty wealthy family. When she married my dad, she not only married someone who wasn't very wealthy, but he was older, a foreigner, and raised in a Catholic family (basically, she hit the trifecta ;). When my mom married my dad, she essentially converted to Christianity, but it was of her own accord. Still, the mystery remains as to why these people just won't accept any of us. Is it because of one of these many things? Are we not wealthy enough? Are they pissed about my mom's conversion? Or are we just too plain 'weird' for their taste?

The strange thing is that I HAVE NO CLUE; none of us do. These particular feelings have never been expressed on their side, and whenever we encounter these people, they act like everything's fine and normal, are pretty darn friendly even. Yet, over the years we have been excluded from certain family events. At one point, my mom saw one of these family members and that person expressed interest in getting together with my family...however, no matter how much my mom tried, they never could get a date set. Some of these family members who are closer to my age are nice to me when I see them...over the years, I have tried to communicate with them, even go so far as to see if they would like to get together...but every time I try, it's worthless.

It just goes to show that our actions, no matter how small, DO affect others. We might think that they don't matter, but even now, at almost 27 years old, I feel hurt because of their actions (or, non-action). So...the question for me is, should I express my feelings at some point and give them a chance to tell me why they behave this way, or do we just let these kinds of things go?

It makes me reflect on my own actions, and I'll just take the opportunity in this blog to express regret to anyone I have caused pain: if there's anyone who has been hurt by me, I'm very, very sorry.

Anyway...I intend to use the lesson that they have taught me, and devote some more time spreading love to others instead of ignoring them. It's always a good wake-up call.

Much, much love...xoxo,

<3 Me