I was talking the other day to a good friend about something I read that made me think a lot about this whole situation of love vs. independence. I was reading about 'birth numbers', which to me is basically the equivalent of astrology: just as unsubstantial; while entertaining, it should not be taken as dogma. Anyway, I am, according to this system a "37/10". When I read the chapter about myself, it said, "emotional neediness sometimes clashes with a deeply rooted independent streak." Strangely enough, that struck a chord with me.
How true have I known that to be my entire life, thus far. If I am feeling emotionally needy, I am at my worst. If I'm feeling independent, I'm fiercely so...and I feel happiest when I'm in this mode. Given this nature, I often feel conflicted about the thought of sharing my life with somebody. I'll admit, sometimes I really want to have someone to share life experiences with; to confide in; to love and be loved by. Hell, I appreciate the cheesiest chick flicks with the rest of 'em. Yet, right now, the thought of committing myself to someone still feels like being hog-tied. I start asking myself all sorts of logistical questions as soon as I see a possibility of a relationship becoming serious, and then I freak out. Well, what if I want to travel more? Is he going to come with me? If he doesn't, am I going to be sitting by the computer waiting for emails? HELL NO. I don't want to do that!! AHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! See my point?
As for the relationships I've had so far, I can honestly say that I have never really known true love throughout them. The feelings I felt in those relationships, while harsh to say out loud, were more like infatuation. Did I care deeply for the people? Of course-- I felt like a mom. But, who wants to feel like a mom in a romantic relationship? I don't think love is the kind of thing that is bred out of desperation to feel something deeper than you actually do. True, I believe infatuation can grow to love if it's nurtured properly...but I wasn't with the people long enough to get to that point.
Then there's the issue of independence. I LOVE being independent...knowing that I only have to answer to myself. If I make a mistake, it's my mistake. I made it and the consequences affect only me. If I want to go somewhere or do something on a whim, I can, and I don't have to run it by anybody. I don't have to worry about someone else's feelings, or 'entertaining' someone else or being 'on'. I can just be myself, honestly, and make no apologies for that. I can be happy or sad or grumpy and feel whatever I want to feel without it affecting anyone else.
That may sound seemingly like the sick and twisted confessions of a control addict (which I can definitely say I am), but I have found that my experiences in relationships thus far have only had negative effects on my personality. I have felt the emotional gamut, straight up from pure jealousy to sheer insanity. Mostly, though, underneath those feelings, I have felt smothered and resentful (even though, believe me, I was a willing participant in every aspect of these relationships).
I don't pretend that these issues weren't brought about in part by the other party in the particular relationship-I certainly didn't feel that way just out of the blue. So, maybe part of the reason I haven't been able to love is because I haven't been with the 'right' person (someone who brings out more positive qualities in me, and doesn't make me feel bad every time I open my mouth). Then there's also a deeper issue; maybe another reason I haven't ever truly loved anyone before was because I was impulsive about getting involved right away, then it just seemed like the correct evolution of a relationship. It was immature. Sort of like getting drunk for the first time- you don't really want to, but it's intriguing-and everyone else seems to be doing it. Before you know it, you're stuck with your head in a toilet, vomiting your guts out. So, I was going through the motions. I may sound crazy on this one...but I think a lot of people get into relationships this way: unconsciously.
Unfortunately, even after having confessed all of this, I'm not feeling any more resolute about the situation. Just slightly more honest, lol...and maybe a bit sheepish about past behavior. Oh well. I guess the only thing that I can do moving forward is to keep living my life, goals in mind, brain in head, with my eyes and heart open. Sounds easy, doesn't it? ;) Guess I'll have to give updates later and let you all know how that worked out for me.
Anyway, those are the thoughts for today. Hope everyone is well. :)
Xoxo,
<3, Me
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