This blog has come about as a direct result of me being completely unable to locate the new blank journal that I am sure I have somewhere around here, so here's a forewarning that it could be either intensely emotional or honest or uncohesive or what have you. Just be glad I am not drunk. Or maybe that would make it more interesting...hmmm...no time for that now. Focus Anna, focus.
So, it's the night before I begin another year abroad. I'll be starting my trip in Madrid, then going to Italy, Paris, England, then back to Madrid. Ever since before I left Korea I kept seeing this plan as being somewhat far off in the distance, as a sort of dream that you talk about but never really intend to do. Like, "oh yes, that novel I am going to write one of these days...*tinkling laughter*". Towards the end of my time in Korea, I was instilled with such vigor and confidence that I could keep traveling and feel wonderful about it. In direct opposition to this longing for continued confidence, there was a fear of coming back to, well...what I've ultimately come back to: living as a dependent and sitting around on my ass. Not that I mind that at all for a while; in fact, I think it can be just what the doctor ordered. It's just that I didn't want to get TOO comfortable and forget how good it feels to be on the move.
Well, apparently three months is long enough to get somewhat comfortable, but not completely. It's become comfortable enough that I'm going to miss the coziness of the house itself and of being in an environment where I'm loved and taken care of unconditionally. I'm going to miss my parents, and of course, my puppy dog.
Despite all of my attempts to deny that I'm affected by any of this, I have realized that the day is upon me. As of tomorrow (well, today...12:15am at the time of writing), I will leave this country again, leave this cozy little nest, and I'm not sure for how long I will be gone (I intend to be gone a year, but planning in pencil just in case). It could be the summer; it could be the year; it could be longer.
All I know is that even though there is a certain level of excitement, I've actually been feeling pretty scared. Scared of feeling lost, friendless, alone. Scared of not being able to make ends meet for myself. Scared of not knowing how to get somewhere and then not being able to get there.
Those are the demons I've been up against today. Some of them can be dismissed as silliness from the ego. Let's take, for example, the fear of being friendless. Well, I don't think I could be more friendless (we are talking lack of social life here) than I have been in this place this summer, so it can only get better from here. As for being alone, well, that's not always so bad, I can read, meditate and journal. Feeling lost, well, there's that...but these journeys seem to help me find myself, if even for just a little while...and I suppose that's why I keep on taking them.
As for getting physically lost...well, it could happen. However, no matter what, I can always get where I need to go. Always. As for not making ends meet, well, I have Euro already changed, and a credit card (with no debt on it right now, I might add). Thank God for that. Seriously, thank you!
Writing this has already helped me feel a little better, as writing usually does. Anyway, I AM excited, despite all the worry. Just please, whomever is reading this, pass along your prayers and love and support from afar that I will not only have safe and enjoyable travels (with EASY transitions from place to place), but that I will perform well at all of my new jobs and make lots of great new friends. :) Hey, I need all the help I can get (and trust me, it does help)!
Hope all of you are doing superbly well. Thanks for reading, good luck, adios, adieu...I'll keep you updated!
Much love, xoxo
Anna <3 <3 <3