The Twenty-Third Tale: Lock and Key

Every time in the last three months that I've sat down in front of this blog to write something, my mind just has gone blank. The crazy thing is that I'll be out and about on the train and something, some detail will happen and I think "Man, I gotta write about this gorgeous moment..." but then the memory passes and I can't, or I start to write and nothing seems to do the memory justice.

This time of traveling has been, I believe, more formative in many ways than before. Every once in a while in life I feel like a hamster on a metal wheel, learning some of the same lessons over and over again, with the same feelings attached to the experiences. At the moment, I suppose my wheel should be more exciting than most, being tinged with bravas sauce and chocolate and all.

There are more ups and downs here, lots of vulnerability--which is positive in that it seems to bring out the creativity in me, and it forces me to evolve as a person, even though I sometimes feel stagnant. I read the other day in part of Gail Sheehy's book "Passages", which my mom recommended to me, an analogy she gives about stages of life being comparable to a lobster whose shell is re-growing. She says with each stage in life you become more vulnerable, but you are also ready for evolution. I realize that I do feel saturated in life, a part of it, when I'm feeling a bit melancholy. I guess that's what draws most of us to drama, especially those "creative types". The challenge lies in not wallowing in it, and not creating my own drama for the sake of feeling like a participant.

Life here in Madrid is okay. That's such a blah word because on the whole, that's how I've felt here. It's a feeling compartmentalized as something separate from the city itself, which is gorgeous and amazing and full of life and cultural intrigue. Most days I feel guilty for neglecting to explore each and every Sainted street there is, and when I do I feel even more guilty. The moments that the feelings of love for the life around me overwhelm me are unfortunately far too seldom, but when they do they are powerful (to say the least). The majority of the time, however, I still feel like I'm floating around, bumping into people and things, half-committed to doing what I'm doing here and not highly interested in any of it. I'm grateful to have a nice roof over my head, I'm grateful to have some friends here, grateful to have enough money to live and enough food to eat and that I have finally learnt how to cook vegetables. I'm grateful to have learnt enough Spanish at the moment to "get by", even if I do have many moments that still get lost during wild gesticulation. I'm grateful to have all that I need in order to live.

I suppose the rub is that I'm still not really feeling, well... joyful. I mean, seriously Anna, you have everything else, why do you need to feel JOYFUL?? Or, more importantly, why can't you quit your bitchin' and just feel that way?!! Both of these questions are still within my well-seasoned ego's direct line of questioning, believe me. They bore into me like a hot spotlight on the brain.

I know it seems horribly ungrateful for me to be just feeling "okay" in this fantastic place, where so many people I know have felt immense joy and wish they could be right now. Yet still, this feeling of "meh," *shrug* remains. As my mom says, I'm allowed to feel how I feel. I honestly haven't felt joyful in a while...in fact, I'm trying to remember the last time I truly felt joyful. Let's see, this comes to heart: I remember hanging out with my friend Kate on a blanket in Forest Park in St. Louis on a warm, sunny Spring day, eating fruit and talking about life. I felt calm, secure, totally comfortable, un-judged, loved and accepted. This is my happy place.

Entonces, pues, de todos modos...I am going home in a few weeks, and I'm really curious to see how I'll feel there. Maybe it'll help put things in perspective. Maybe it'll just make me realize I need to take anti-depressants again after all and quit my whining. Maybe, just maybe, I'll re-encounter some small missing piece of myself that I can use to repair this little heart and move forward in my adventures, as the fearless, ever-loving Anita. I am praying it's the latter.

If you stay tuned, I promise (at some point) I'll let you know how it all goes. ;)

Much love,
Anna <3

The Fourth Tale: Living In Limbo...

Life after Korea? So far, so strange.

I feel like I'm a character in Harry Potter...people can see my footprints on the Marauder's Map, but they can't really see me...I've 'apparated' into another world completely, and when people talk about me there I'll always be the 'last teacher that left'. Maybe my kids will mention me once in a while, but that's about it. When I tell people here that I spent a year in Korea, it sounds flimsy and awkward, like I'm bragging or something. So, I just don't feel like telling people unless I'm asked. They can't begin to fathom what that means or what it felt like, anyway. I am really starting to think that my entire year in Korea was a dream, and if it weren't for my wonderful friends that are sending me messages on FB I'd start to believe that notion entirely.

Now I find myself in Vero Beach, Florida, in a home where I recognize the things around me, yet it's still unfamiliar, in a city that I still don't know. My mom knows it, and she loves it. I love, love, LOVE that she loves it. I really think that this place is the best thing that could have happened to my parents, most especially my mom. In St. Louis, my mom was a completely different person. She rarely went out with friends, and stuck mainly to the gym and the house. Though that time brought many amazing works of art inspired by her heavily wooded environment, I just feel how much happier, lighter she is here. She has found a community of people that truly care about her and show it in their invitations and daily outpourings of love; a sense of family when her blood relations aren't around, a sense of belonging which I believe many of us hope for in life. This seems like heaven on earth to me, and I'm bursting with joy that she's finally found it.

As for me, I am still not exactly sure of what I'm feeling. This is the strangest thing I think that's ever happened to me in my life. I am not extremely happy, but I'm not unhappy at all. I'm sort of, well, content, but at the same time, restless. Weirder still, I tried to meditate this morning and nothing really came to me...it didn't feel like it had in the past. I guess it's to be expected that things will feel a little strange for a while, I think that I had just expected to be more emotional here. Actually, I expected to be pretty depressed coming back, but it's like somehow I know that it won't be long until the next adventure. The only conclusion I can come to is that I was ready to move on from Korea, ready for this time to meet myself again...and the process of getting to know myself again in this place is a little awkward.

It does make me wonder though, being here, about the direction of my life. I see the people around me, whom I love, feeling content and grounded...it's like I can see people in happy little bubbles, floating all around me. It makes me reflect on my life and think, where do I fit in all this madness? I do eventually want to get married and have a family, but I still don't know if I want to stay in one place in order to do it. I have discussed the subject of traveling with a family many times with many people. The thing is, people always make it sound as if once you have a family, you are stuck, grounded, caput. "Oh, well I wanted to travel in my 20s, but then I had a family", "Travel now while you can!", people say. I'm not sure I agree with that- I do think that traveling with a family is possible, if not slightly more haphazard. I know when you have a family you have to take everybody's feelings into account and have jobs that are conducive to that situation, but all I'm saying is, where there's a will there's a way.

I guess the question for me to answer on that count is, am I traveling to find a place where I feel like I fit in? Am I looking for MY Vero Beach? Or, am I traveling simply to experience how other cultures live? That was my original impetus. What I have learned since is that I was really traveling in order to experience myself in other cultures. I suppose that only time will tell whether or not I prefer myself in one culture over another, or if that just doesn't really matter.

The only thing that's truly been bothering me here is that I really want to start focusing on this dissertation proposal for my grad school application...but it feels so overwhelming. This project, this elephant in the room that I've been putting off for so long...it's time to confront it and work through it head on, to get a clearer view of my vision for it. I really want to focus on my goals and get some things done while I'm here. It's a gorgeous place and living on the beach and working out are excellent things to do, but I still want to have a little focus (just a little;).

Anyhow, that's it for now...come again if you dare. :)

<3, Me