Saturday, May 9, 2015

A Tale of Gratefulness

I seriously don't know what is going on with me these days. Okay, that's not completely true--I know that I am in a vulnerable state without Kyle around, thinking and worrying about him. For some reason, that vulnerability has been turning me into a hopeful, kind, rosy-glasses kind of person lately!

When I was living in St. Louis, before leaving to go to Korea, I went through what I will coin my "idealistic spiritual phase" where I threw myself into spiritual practice and the power of positive thinking. Every day, I would recite my affirmations, listen to my uplifting spiritual music, and journal the "positive" things that happened. I would monitor my thoughts and try to make myself see only the good in people.

I know--what was the problem, right? "Sounds awesome", you say!

Unfortunately, I could not sustain this mindset for longer than the few months I was trying it out. Frankly, I found trying to blot out my "negative" emotions exhausting. Eventually, I came back down to Earth and have been living there ever since. I've enjoyed my life a lot more as I've allowed myself to be spiritual in a responsible way, to be more fully me, to feel my feelings, and to just be in the moment rather than wishing about the future all the time (though admittedly I still do a fair share of that ;) ).

While I'm okay with pessimism and not being cheery all the time, I have to say, this current vulnerability has made the kind things that people have done and said seem all the kinder.  I notice more the small things that people have done or said that have helped me out, intentionally or unintentionally, and I feel so grateful for that.

So...while I have no desire to go back to doing affirmations every day or to read books on the power of positive thinking, I do have a desire to express this gratefulness. I am grateful for the people I know, whether acquaintances or good friends, who are in my life right now. If you are reading this, I am grateful for you, and I want to say "thank you".

<3, Me